Saturday, 18 August 2012

Result! (s)

So Thursday came around. It was the most anticipated, feared, important, intimidating day I've had in a long time ever! It was A Level results day.

Given how much school I had missed this year and that even when I was in, I had not been in a great state of mind and half the time had been drugged up with pills that made me fall asleep at 10am, we did not know what to expect. In my mocks I had got Ds and Es although I had miraculously managed to scrape a B in Biology. Since then (February) I had worked my butt off, having extra sessions with teachers and generally working and revising like I never had before. I have no doubt that if I'd worked that hard after completing a normal year at school, I would have got full marks in everything. But then if I'd had a normal year, I wouldn't have felt the need to prove people wrong. You see inside of me there is a part that just has to go above and beyond people's expectations of me. To achieve targets is just boring. I want to smash them! Which is probably part of the reason I developed an eating disorder- the combination of searching or perfection and wanting to prove that actually I could go x days without food or I could lose x kgs. Recently as part of my recovery, I've been searching for better outlets to display my determination in and my schoolwork was one of them (another is my tidiness- I used to be so messy and disorganised, now I am as far from that as you can imagine!) I cannot get rid of these traits, they are a part of me and my personality. So I must ind a way to express them that is not self-destructive! Perhaps I can prove people wrong by beating this thing...

So anyway, back to results day. I had been waking up the wrong way round in bed for several days and generally just not sleeping. I was grouchy, particularly on the morning of results day (sorry Mum and Dad!) and basically just very stressed. The results I got would determine my future, particularly my gap year. They would determine whether I would be able to go travelling or would have to stay and repeat the year of school. I was also pretty sure they would also determine whether I would stay on the road to recovery. A voice in my head was saying that if my results were bad (and I'm not sure what qualifies as bad- that wasnt explicit) I would never eat again because "what would be the point?", my life would be over. Of course in hindsight, I can see that that was a little extreme but that was anorexia trying to cling on to me and that is the kind of irrational thoughts it blinds me with.

We got to school and I went straight into the dining hall, to the desk where the envelopes were being handed out. I opened it straight away with Mum and Dad by my side. I didn't see any point in taking my time about it, the results weren't going to change. My hands shook as I tried to free the papers from the envelope and I saw...

2 A*s and 2As!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so overwhelmed that I burst in to tears. The emotion was just so strong. There was a huge sense of relief, accomplishment and pride. I had actually pulled it out of the bag.

After pulling myself together a bit I talked to some of my teachers who were all thrilled. No one had been sure of what I was capable of and, if I say so myself which I do because I'm rightly proud, I had done incredibly! The A*s were in Biology and... Maths(I know, I'll never live that one down!) and the As were in Chemistry and Physics.

With a huge weight off my shoulders, I enjoyed the breakfast school had provided with Mum and Dad (who I think were also extremely relieved!) I also had my picture taken for the local newspaper with some of my friends.

Cheesy as it sounds I just want to thank all my teachers, my family and friends who have encouraged, pushed and guided me through these hard times and helped me achieve the best I could ever hope for. These results are life changing for me.

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