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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Rollercoaster

Lately the posts have been few and far between because my life has been pretty up and down...and quite hectic with it.

I'll start with the bad bits because I like to end on a happy note (basically I want my life to be a fairy tale!) The main bad thing is I've been struggling a bit with my eating disorder and the thoughts that it brings. Many people think that an eating disorder affects you when you have food put in front of you but not at any other time. This is so wrong. It can get into every waking thought you have. For a long time now it has been riding on my shoulders. I go through good patches where I can drown it out a bit and ignore it for a while, but it is always there, ready to pounce. Whenever I'm tired, upset, or sometimes for no apparent reason, it will shout and shout and I can't think about anything else. If I was left alone I honestly believe that I would be able to go for several days just walking around listening to those thoughts and doing nothing else. Luckily, I am not left alone and I have amazing people who can reach into the deafening darkness and drag me upwards for a bit. The thoughts are still shouting but the love and support is fighting against it, shouting too. Of course that makes everything pretty noisy and there are a lot of conflicting emotions but it is better to be confused than to be completely ruled by my eating disorder.

I suppose one of the reasons I have been finding things hard is because a lot of my friends are about to go off to university and start the next chapter of their lives. While I know that my gap year is going to be very exciting and will bring new and unforgettable experiences, I feel very insecure and scared when I think about the fact that I have no solid plans for when that is all over. I'm hoping I will feel slightly better once I have my UCAS form in...although then I'll be waiting on interviews. Does it ever end? Next Wednesday I have the UKCAT test which I did last year but have to redo. Then I just have to sort my personal statement and enter all my grades and qualifications.

So the good stuff...

I just got back from spending a week in Gran Canaria with my friends. It was amazing! We were staying in a gorgeous penthouse with a massive balcony and every modcon. We spent most of our days sunbathing by the pools or on the beach although we did do lots of activities. We did aquafit and aquazumba, played bingo, played Europe's largest minigolf course, drove jetskis and pedaloes and went on a banana boat. We enjoyed lots of ice creams and cocktails (particularly during happy hour!) and also got some wicked tans!

In the evenings we did things ranging from trying out the clubs and bars in Puerto Rico until the early hours, to having girly movie nights in, to me and Abi joining in with the minidisco!

It was an amazing week with so many good memories.

When I got home one of the first things I did was attend our brownie unit for the first time in my role as a leader in training. Up till now I have just been an occasional helper but from now I am going to be doing it regularly. I love the girls and it really helps me with my confidence.

I am in the process of redecorating my room and tomorrow the electrician I coming in to put a socket in the wall by my desk (after 9 years of my mum saying we'd do it!)

I had my first appointment with the adult eating disorders service after moving over from CAMHS and it was a pretty positive experience. It definitely sounds like a better fit for me with a lot more choice and responsibility in my treatment. I'm looking forward to getting to know the team better and building a good relationship with them.

So there are goods and bads and MAJOR ups an downs but I'm pushing through and I'm so so lucky to have the love and support of my friends and family.

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