Do you know what? I really need to start having some confidence in myself. But honestly, it seems that no matter what results I achieve, or how many people tell me I've done well, I still keep thinking that everything was down to luck and that someday people are going to wake up and see that I'm a massive fraud. I know people get annoyed (because I was always someone who did) when people say "Oh no, I'm rubbish at that," when really they have excellent results and always seem to do well. I firmly believe that when someone has done really well in something, they need to think, "Actually, I did great in that," politely say thank you and be humble but proud. And I do that. I accept that I have done well in things. I don't deny it when someone says I've done brilliantly in something. I just can't help but think that it's all fluke and one day the world is going to come crashing down on me and I'll have nothing. Meet my irrational brain...
So what sparked this ramble? Well today I sat the UK Clinical Aptitude Test for the second time (I sat it last year). Lots of medical schools require it, in my case it is for Southampton. I was panicking leading up to this for a couple of reasons. 1. I hadn't had a chance to do any practice until yesterday (story of my life) 2. I was very worried that I was going to do worse than last year. Perhaps if I had just been a bit unprepared and was sitting it for the first time and I hadn't quite performed to my full ability, I'd be a little upset but not drastically. However, because I knew how well I'd done last year, I knew that if I did worse this year I would feel like a lazy piece of rubbish who just didn't work hard enough. So it was a little tense.
You get handed your results as soon as you come out which I think is quite a blessing. There's no time to sit mulling it over and fretting.
Thankfully, I had improved on last year. The test is split into four sections. Each is marked out of 900 and the average medical student achieves 600.
My scores last year were:
Verbal Reasoning 690
Abstract Reasoning 690
Quantitative Reasoning 780
Decision Analysis 670
Verbal Reasoning 750
Abstract Reasoning 720
Quantitative Reasoning 770
Decision Analysis 680
I am pretty darn pleased with my results. I know they are above average and impressive. And yet I still can't shake this feeling that I don't really deserve them and that it was luck.
Maybe after the whole uni application process is over I'll have a little more belief in myself.