Friday, 3 October 2014

Let your faith be bigger than your fear

These are the words that help me through some of my darkest, toughest moments. 

I have been down the same spiral many times. It's a helter-skelter slide that starts off with thinking too much and ends up with questioning the point of existence. Many different things have set it off in the past, ranging from a piece of school work to choosing a university course to just having too much time on my hands. It always leads me into a deep pit of hopeless despair where I struggle to see why I wake up each day. 

The real problem is this: I am not God. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love facts. Facts and information are what I thrive on and I am constantly thirsting for extra knowledge so that I can fully understand something. This has served me pretty well in educational terms but unfortunately means that I struggle when the facts aren't in reach. 

I am not God. I do not know the point of life. I do not know what happens when we die. I do not know why some people suffer more than others. I do not know the workings of the universe. This has caused me problems in the past because, in my mind, if I couldn't understand the point of life then there wasn't one. And that didn't sit too well with me.

If life had no purpose, then why was I struggling every day to survive? If none of it lead anywhere, why go through the difficulties, the discomfort, the fear, the pain? What was the point of even attempting to recover?

Throughout my illness and recovery, my relationship with God has blossomed. At a time when very few people were able to comfort and reassure me, believing that God was carrying me in the palm of his hand and guiding me down his path for me was the sense of safety that I clung too. I went through periods of doubting, through anger with God for letting me suffer, through bargaining and pleading but gradually over time I learnt to trust. 

Now every day I put my trust in God. I still can't see his plan, I don't know what the purpose of life is or what happens afterwards but each day I actively put my trust in God. I trust that he has a plan for me even though I can't yet see it. I trust that he is looking after me and guiding me. I trust that he is tugging at the strings of the universe, keeping it in check. He is doing the worrying so that I
don't have to. I am not God but I trust God.