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Thursday, 29 January 2015

I have no idea what will happen!

I may not have my life sorted out but I have sorted out a lot in my life.

So, some of you will know and some of you won't but I have decided to leave my medicine course at university. It's been one of the toughest decisions I've had to make and I've been quite afraid to tell people for fear of being seen as a failure (don't worry guys, it's not you, it's me that keeps planting that one in my head!). Now though, I am going to share where I'm at because it is nothing to be ashamed of and the people close to me don't deserve to be shut out. I loved the university and I loved the people but from quite early on it became clear to me that I wasn't enjoying the course and it wasn't the right path for me. That's the thing with medicine, it's such a long and intense course that you have to really love it. You can't just put up with it for a few years and then find a more enjoyable career at the end.I discovered that I didn't love it.

In a way I'm very glad that I realised this so early on in my course. Don't get me wrong, it totally sucks to be leaving uni just when I'd made some great friends (hi guys, if you're reading, I miss you all!) and started to settle in but I know that if I stayed in a course that wasn't right for me no amount of amazing friends would be able to keep me happy. Already, my mental health had started to deteriorate quite severely and that is not something that I am willing to risk.

So it's back to square one for me. It's a scary place for me to be in but it's also incredibly exciting. In Friends, when Rachel is thinking of going to Paris, she says she's scared but it's the same type of scared that she was when she moved to New York and when she found out she was going to have Emma. That's the kind of scared I am because there is now so much possibility in front of me and I'm not used to that. It seems like I've never questioned the fact that I was going to study something scientific and that ended up being medicine. Now I have the option to pursue anything I want and that is huge. Medicine is a career path that, once you're on it, is pretty well mapped out. You do your 5 years at med school, then you do your 2 foundation years and then you start your specialist training and you keep going and essentially have job security throughout (provided your academic stuff is cool). For a person who struggles with decision making that was pretty appealing to me. Now it's time for me to start listening to the great Albus Dumbledore and "face the choice between what is right and what is easy". And when I say right I mean right for me.

So for now, I am right at the beginning of a long journey of discovery. I have no idea where it's going. Once upon a time I would have run as far away as possible but this time I am going to view this as a blessing. I have been handed chance after chance and now I have been handed another. I've been given the chance to find out who I am and what I love and that is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.